Idealization: Overestimating the Positive Attributes of a Person or Situation
- Cody Thomas Rounds
- May 28, 2024
- 18 min read
Updated: Nov 5
This article is part of the Understanding Unconscious Defenses Series
Key Points
Definition of Idealization: Idealization is a defense mechanism where individuals overestimate the positive attributes of a person or situation. This psychological process helps protect against feelings of inadequacy or disappointment by creating an unrealistic positive perception.
Psychological Underpinnings of Idealization: The mind resorts to idealization to avoid confronting flaws and disappointments. It is often triggered by loneliness, admiration, or the need for connection and validation.
Impact on Relationships: Idealization can lead to significant tension and disappointment in relationships. When someone is idealized, they are held to unrealistic standards, which can result in conflicts and disillusionment when reality doesn't match the ideal.
Manifestations of Idealization in Daily Life: Idealization can affect various aspects of life, including romantic relationships, family dynamics, friendships, and work environments. It often results in placing unrealistic expectations on oneself and others, leading to performance issues and interpersonal conflicts.
Recognizing and Addressing Idealization: Becoming aware of idealization can foster personal growth and healthier relationships. By recognizing this defense mechanism, individuals can develop more realistic perceptions, improve self-awareness, and enhance their interactions with others.
The information in this blog is for educational and entertainment purposes only
Idealization Defense Mechanism
Have you ever put someone on a pedestal, only to feel deeply disappointed when they didn’t live up to your expectations? This common experience highlights a psychological defense mechanism known as idealization. It involves overestimating the positive attributes of a person or situation, often as a way to protect ourselves from uncomfortable truths or insecurities. Idealization can also function as a coping mechanism, helping individuals manage difficult emotions or challenging situations.
Idealization helps us avoid facing uncomfortable truths, but it is not the only strategy people use. Denial is another defense mechanism that, like idealization, can protect individuals from confronting reality by rejecting or minimizing unacceptable feelings or facts.
A Deeper Definition
Idealization serves as a psychological buffer, allowing us to avoid confronting our own flaws or disappointments. When we idealize someone, we inflate their positive qualities to an unrealistic degree, creating a version of them that exists more in our minds than in reality. This highlights the idea that our internal models or mental representations of others shape our perceptions, often diverging from objective reality. This process is typically unconscious, driven by a deep-seated need to see the world and the people in it in a way that supports our emotional needs.
The mind resorts to idealization for several reasons. Often, it’s a response to loneliness or a deep admiration for someone we perceive as better or more accomplished than ourselves. By idealizing them, we vicariously experience their perceived perfection, which can temporarily fill a void or bolster our self-esteem. Additionally, idealization can be a way to forge connections and validation. When we see someone as flawless, it’s easier to form a bond, as this illusion shields us from potential rejection or disappointment.
Common triggers for idealization include the desire for connection, admiration of someone’s qualities, and a need for validation. For instance, a person might idealize a new romantic partner, focusing solely on their positive traits while ignoring red flags. This not only sets the stage for future disappointment but also prevents a genuine understanding of the partner’s true character. The extent to which idealization distorts perception and relationships can be significant, leading to unrealistic expectations and eventual disillusionment. Similarly, in professional settings, an employee might idealize a mentor or superior, attributing to them qualities of infallibility and wisdom that may not be entirely accurate.
Understanding the roots and triggers of idealization is crucial for personal development. This section aims to describe how and why idealization occurs, detailing the psychological processes involved. It allows us to recognize when we are distorting reality to suit our emotional needs, paving the way for more realistic and fulfilling relationships and interactions. By becoming aware of this defense mechanism, we can start to appreciate people for who they truly are, embracing their complexities and imperfections alongside their strengths.
Cognitive Biases and Idealization
Cognitive biases are powerful mental shortcuts that shape the way we view ourselves, others, and the world around us. When it comes to idealization, these biases can play a major role in how an individual perceives people and situations—especially for those living with borderline personality disorder or other personality disorders. Idealization is a defense mechanism that leads us to focus on positive qualities while minimizing or ignoring negative qualities, creating an unrealistic and often unsustainable view of reality.
In relationships, this process can be particularly intense. For example, someone with borderline personality disorder may quickly idealize a romantic partner, seeing only their best traits and overlooking any bad qualities or red flags. This tendency can naturally lend itself to a cycle of extreme highs and lows, as the initial sense of euphoria gives way to disappointment when the partner inevitably reveals their human flaws. The same pattern can occur in family relationships, friendships, or even in the way we view ourselves—setting up impossible standards that no one, not even ourselves, can consistently meet.
These cognitive biases don’t just affect how we view others; they also shape our internal state and self-image. When we idealize ourselves, we may set unattainable goals or expect perfection, leading to anxiety, shame, or a persistent sense of failure when reality doesn’t match the ideal. This can be especially challenging for individuals with personality disorders, who may already struggle with difficult feelings and unstable self-esteem.
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) offers practical tools for addressing these patterns. DBT teaches skills like mindfulness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance, helping individuals recognize when they are idealizing and gently guiding them back to a more balanced perspective. By learning to accept both the positive and negative aspects of themselves and others, individuals can develop healthier, more stable relationships and a more compassionate view of themselves.
Psychoanalytic theory also sheds light on why idealization emerges as a defense mechanism. When faced with anxiety, ambivalence, or other difficult feelings, the mind may use idealization to create a sense of safety and certainty. By focusing on an idealized object or person, we can temporarily avoid the discomfort of uncertainty or disappointment. However, this defense mechanism can ultimately reinforce unhealthy patterns, making it harder to accept reality and build genuine connections.
To stop idealizing and move toward a more realistic outlook, it’s important to practice self-reflection and mindfulness. Notice when you tend to see someone—or yourself—as all good or all bad, and gently challenge these extremes. Remind yourself that everyone has both positive and negative qualities, and that accepting this complexity is a sign of emotional maturity, not weakness. Over time, developing this middle ground can help you build stronger, more authentic relationships and improve your overall mental health.
By acknowledging the role of cognitive biases and defense mechanisms like idealization, you can begin to break free from unrealistic expectations and embrace a more balanced, compassionate understanding of yourself and others. This process may not always be easy, but it is a crucial step toward healthier relationships, greater self-acceptance, and a more fulfilling life.
How it Feels to You
Subjective Experience Description
Experiencing idealization can be an emotional rollercoaster, marked by intense feelings and psychological shifts. When you idealize someone, the emotional landscape is often filled with euphoria and infatuation. This phase feels almost magical, as you perceive the person or situation through a lens that magnifies only the positive aspects. Idealization acts as a buffer against feelings of inadequacy or disillusionment, offering a temporary escape from the harshness of reality. The unconscious mind skillfully shifts your focus to these exaggerated positives, allowing you to bask in a sense of admiration and excitement. It can be extremely difficult to recognize when you are idealizing someone, as the mind resists confronting uncomfortable truths.
Internal Experience
Why do they seem so perfect? Every time I think about them, my heart skips a beat, and a warm, tingling sensation spreads through my chest. My thoughts are consumed by their image, and it feels like a dream I don’t want to wake up from. Everything they do appears remarkable, almost otherworldly. I can’t help but smile whenever I think of them, a smile that reaches my eyes and makes my whole body feel lighter.
My mind is filled with daydreams, replaying every conversation, every interaction. I imagine their laughter, their words, their presence, all painted in the brightest, most vibrant colors. The admiration I feel is overwhelming, almost intoxicating. My chest feels warm, my pulse quickens, and a sense of pure joy washes over me. This emotional high is like a protective shield, making everything else seem trivial.
But then, reality starts to seep in. A tiny crack appears in the perfect image I’ve built. Maybe they make a small mistake or say something that doesn’t quite fit the flawless picture. A knot forms in my stomach, and confusion starts to creep in. How could they be anything less than perfect? The euphoria begins to wane, replaced by a growing sense of doubt and disappointment. It feels even worse when unwanted characteristics come to light—flaws I tried to deny or ignore suddenly become impossible to overlook.
I try to hold on to the idealized image, but the inconsistencies become harder to ignore. My mind races, trying to reconcile the reality with the fantasy. I feel a twinge of betrayal, as if I’ve been deceived. The warmth in my chest turns to a heavy weight, and my pulse slows, replaced by a dull ache. The emotional high dissipates, leaving a void filled with confusion and self-doubt. How could I have been so wrong? The perfect image shatters, leaving me to grapple with the raw, unfiltered reality.
How it Plays Out
Imagine you’ve met someone new at work, and from the outset, they strike you as incredibly competent and charismatic. You quickly begin to idealize them, believing they can do no wrong. Every interaction seems to reinforce this belief. You hang on their every word during meetings, feeling a rush of excitement at their insights and ideas.
Over time, small inconsistencies emerge. Perhaps they miss a deadline or make a decision you disagree with. Suddenly, the flawless image starts to fray. You find yourself grappling with conflicting emotions—disappointment and confusion battling against the initial admiration. During this process, people often view events as either all positive or all negative, making it difficult to see the person in a balanced way. The person you once saw as perfect now appears more complex and flawed.
This shift in perception can have a profound impact on your relationship. Initially, you might have been overly agreeable, eager to support and praise them, overlooking any faults. But as reality sets in, those ignored aspects become sources of tension. You might feel let down, questioning your judgment and experiencing a sense of betrayal for having believed in an unrealistic image. This realization process can be jarring, leading to deeper reflection on why you felt the need to idealize in the first place and how to manage your expectations more realistically in the future. On the flip side, disillusionment can set in as the idealized image gives way to disappointment, highlighting the dual nature of our perceptions.
Defense Fiction
I met Alex at a community volunteer event. From the moment we started talking, I was captivated. Alex seemed to embody everything I admired—kindness, intelligence, and a sense of humor that left me smiling long after our conversation ended. It wasn’t long before I found myself thinking about Alex constantly, replaying our conversations in my mind and imagining the perfect friendship that was sure to blossom.
As the weeks passed, our interactions reinforced my idealized image. Alex always knew just what to say, and their presence felt like a beacon of positivity in my life. I began to overlook any minor faults, convincing myself that Alex was as close to perfect as a person could be. Each time we met, my admiration grew, and with it, the belief that I had found a truly exceptional friend.
One Friday evening, Alex invited me to a small gathering at their apartment. I was thrilled—this was a chance to deepen our friendship even further. When I arrived, I was greeted warmly, but as the evening progressed, I began to notice small things that clashed with the image I had constructed. Alex was more reserved than usual, even making a few comments that struck me as slightly insensitive. I brushed it off, attributing it to the stress of hosting. It was surprising how quickly my mind could shift from seeing Alex as perfect to questioning if they might be a bad person, simply because of a few negative behaviors.
But then, Alex made a cutting remark about another guest’s career choice, laughing it off as a joke. My stomach tightened. This didn’t fit the Alex I knew. I felt a pang of disappointment, but I quickly pushed it aside. Maybe it was just a one-time slip.
As the night wore on, these small inconsistencies piled up. Alex’s humor, which I had always found charming, now seemed a bit harsh and judgmental. My internal conflict grew—how could the person I had placed on such a high pedestal show such flaws? The idealized image I held began to crack, and with it, my sense of certainty and admiration. I realized that when someone's behavior doesn't align with our idealized image, it's common to start categorizing them as bad people, even if the reality is more nuanced.
The following week, I couldn’t shake the dissonance between the Alex I thought I knew and the Alex I was starting to see. During a casual lunch, Alex’s comments about a mutual friend’s personal life struck me as gossipy and unkind. It was a side of them I hadn’t seen before, or maybe had refused to see.
I felt the sting of reality setting in. My mind raced, trying to reconcile these new observations with my previous idealization. Had I been wrong about Alex all along? The disappointment was palpable, a mix of sadness and self-doubt. I realized that in my eagerness to find a perfect friend, I had ignored the complexities and imperfections that make us all human.
In the days that followed, I struggled with my feelings. My idealized version of Alex had shattered, leaving behind a more realistic, albeit flawed, person. Accepting this wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. I learned that idealization had clouded my judgment, and moving forward, I needed to embrace a more balanced perspective—one that allowed for imperfections and acknowledged the true, multifaceted nature of people. This pattern of idealization and disappointment is consistent across many relationships, reflecting how we often swing between extremes in our judgments of others.
How Others Perceive You
Intersubjective Experience
Idealization significantly affects social interactions, often distorting perceptions and creating unrealistic expectations. From the perspective of those being idealized, this can be both flattering and overwhelming. They may initially appreciate the admiration, but soon, the pressure to live up to an unrealistic standard can lead to stress and discomfort. When someone idealizes another, they often ignore or overlook their flaws, which can result in significant tension when reality inevitably falls short of these inflated expectations.
Idealization is one of several specific defenses people use to manage difficult emotions in relationships.
Anecdote
Imagine Sarah, who has recently started working with a new colleague, John. John is impressed by Sarah’s confidence and success, quickly beginning to idealize her. He views her as a flawless mentor and assumes she has all the answers. Whenever Sarah offers advice or feedback, John takes it as gospel, rarely questioning her perspective. Over time, John starts to feel disappointed when Sarah makes mistakes or offers suggestions that don’t work out perfectly. From Sarah’s point of view, John’s behavior seems irrational and unfair—he praises her excessively one moment and is overly critical the next. This creates a strain in their working relationship, as Sarah feels pressured to maintain an impossible standard, while John feels let down by his unrealistic expectations. Honest communication is essential in these situations, and these issues are best talked through openly to prevent misunderstandings and help both parties develop a more realistic perspective.
In another scenario, Emily idealizes her new friend, Rachel, seeing her as the epitome of kindness and understanding. Emily shares deeply personal stories with Rachel, expecting her to always provide perfect support and advice. However, when Rachel fails to meet Emily’s high expectations, such as being unable to offer immediate help during a personal crisis, Emily feels betrayed and hurt. From Rachel’s perspective, Emily’s intense reactions to her perceived shortcomings seem disproportionate and confusing. Rachel struggles with the pressure of being Emily’s idealized friend and the subsequent fallout when she inevitably falls short.
Balanced Perspective
Idealization can have numerous negative impacts on relationships and social dynamics. Unrealistic expectations often lead to disappointment and frustration for both parties involved. The person being idealized may feel immense pressure to maintain an unsustainable image, resulting in stress and a potential sense of failure. Meanwhile, the individual doing the idealizing may experience repeated cycles of admiration and disillusionment, leading to strained relationships and eroded trust.
However, recognizing and addressing idealization can foster personal growth and improved relationships. When individuals become aware of their tendency to idealize, they can start to develop more realistic and balanced perceptions of others. By developing self-awareness and setting realistic expectations, individuals can overcome the tendency to idealize and reduce the negative effects associated with it. This self-awareness encourages honest communication, allowing people to express their true selves without fear of falling short of unrealistic standards. As expectations become more grounded, interactions can transform, leading to more genuine and supportive connections.
By embracing a balanced perspective, individuals can appreciate the complexities and imperfections inherent in all relationships. This shift not only reduces the pressure on both parties but also enhances mutual understanding and trust. Honest communication about expectations and limitations can create a more resilient and empathetic social environment, where individuals feel valued for who they truly are, rather than an idealized version of themselves.
Daily Manifestations
Social Interactions
Partners
Idealization can significantly impact romantic relationships by creating unrealistic expectations. When you expect perfection from your partner, every small flaw or mistake becomes a source of disappointment. People may also project their fantasies onto their partners' lives, seeking fulfillment through the idealization of how those lives should look or feel. This can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, as the idealized image of the perfect partner crumbles. The partner, on the other hand, might feel immense pressure to live up to these impossible standards, leading to stress and potential conflict.
Family
In family dynamics, idealization can manifest in various ways, particularly in parent-child relationships. Idealization can also impact entire families, shaping expectations and interactions among all members. A parent who idealizes their child might overlook the child’s flaws or mistakes, expecting them to be perfect in every way. This can place an undue burden on the child, who may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or fear of failure. Conversely, children who idealize their parents may be deeply disappointed when they realize their parents are not infallible, which can strain the relationship and lead to feelings of betrayal.
Parental Effect on Children
When parents idealize their children, it can create a pressure cooker environment where the child feels they must constantly perform to unrealistic standards. This can stifle the child’s individuality and growth, as they might feel they cannot make mistakes or show vulnerability. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and a reluctance to take risks or pursue personal interests that might not align with the parents’ idealized view.
Developing object constancy can help children accept their parents' imperfections and maintain a stable, realistic view of their caregivers, which supports healthier relationships and emotional resilience.
Friendships
Idealization in friendships can lead to significant misunderstandings and conflicts. When you place a friend on a pedestal, you might ignore their faults and overestimate their positive traits. In this process, friends can become objects of idealization—mental representations that are seen as entirely positive or negative, rather than as complex individuals. This can lead to disappointment when the friend inevitably shows their human side. The friend might feel misunderstood and pressured to meet these high expectations, which can cause tension and potentially end the friendship.
Work Environment
Performance
Idealization in the workplace can impact individual job performance by creating unrealistic self-expectations or expectations of colleagues. If you idealize a mentor or superior, you might believe you must perform flawlessly to gain their approval. This can lead to stress, burnout, and dissatisfaction when you or others fall short of these high standards. Cycles of idealization and devaluation are also seen in narcissistic personality disorder, where individuals may alternate between extreme admiration and harsh criticism of others, affecting workplace dynamics. Additionally, idealizing a colleague might result in overlooking their mistakes, which can affect team performance and project outcomes.
Team Dynamics
Idealization can disrupt team cohesion and collaboration. If team members are idealized, it can create an imbalanced dynamic where some members are seen as infallible leaders while others are undervalued. This can lead to resentment, lack of cooperation, and a stifling of diverse ideas and contributions. The pressure to maintain the idealized image can also lead to conflicts and misunderstandings within the team. Idealization can be especially disruptive when individuals have underlying mental health conditions, as these conditions—such as certain personality disorders—may intensify polarized perceptions and behaviors within group settings.
Goals and Self-Image
Goals
Idealization can significantly interfere with personal ambitions. When you idealize certain goals or achievements, you might set unattainable standards for yourself. Research has shown that idealization can negatively impact goal setting and achievement by promoting unrealistic expectations and increasing the risk of disappointment. This can lead to constant feelings of inadequacy and failure. The process often starts with a lofty vision of success, fueled by elevated expectations. However, as reality sets in, the gap between your idealized goals and your actual progress becomes apparent, leading to frustration and self-doubt.
This relentless pursuit of perfection can trap you in a cycle of striving for an ideal that remains perpetually out of reach. Each shortfall feels magnified, reinforcing a sense of inadequacy. The pressure to meet these unrealistic standards can prevent you from appreciating your achievements and progress. Recognizing and adjusting these idealized goals to more realistic and achievable ones can help foster a healthier approach to personal development. By setting attainable objectives, you allow yourself room to grow and succeed, gradually building a more accurate and compassionate self-perception.
Self-Image
Idealization can also distort how you see yourself, leading to a skewed self-image. Psychological terms like 'ideal self' and 'self-concept' are often used to describe these patterns. When you hold yourself to idealized standards, you may constantly feel that you fall short, regardless of your accomplishments. This can make it difficult to acknowledge your strengths, focusing instead on perceived flaws and failures.
This relentless comparison to an idealized version of yourself can be mentally and emotionally draining. It creates a critical inner dialogue and a persistent sense of dissatisfaction. The pressure to conform to this perfect image can generate a fear of failure, discouraging you from taking risks or pursuing new opportunities. This fear can stifle creativity and innovation, as you may prefer to stay within the confines of what feels safe and achievable.
Top 20 Things to Watch For
Expecting Partners to be Perfect: Viewing a partner as flawless and feeling crushed when they reveal their human imperfections.
Placing Family on Pedestals: Overlooking family members’ mistakes and idealizing their roles, especially children.
Parental Pressure: Feeling immense pressure to live up to idealized standards set by parents, leading to disappointment when parents show flaws.
Disappointment in Parents: Being deeply disappointed by parents’ human imperfections, as they were once seen as perfect figures.
Friend Idealization: Ignoring a friend’s faults and overestimating their positive traits, leading to eventual disappointment.
Resentment Towards Friends: Feeling resentment when a friend fails to meet the high expectations set by idealization.
Workplace Idealization: Placing unrealistic expectations on oneself or colleagues at work, leading to disappointment when reality doesn’t meet the ideal.
Mentor Approval: Believing one must perform flawlessly to gain approval from a mentor or superior due to their idealized image.
Overlooking Mistakes: Overlooking a colleague’s mistakes due to idealization, which can create an unbalanced team dynamic.
Unattainable Standards: Setting unattainable standards for personal goals and achievements based on idealized views.
Self-Inadequacy: Feeling constant inadequacy and failure due to high self-expectations driven by idealization.
Relationship Red Flags: Ignoring red flags in relationships because of idealization of the partner.
Rose-Colored Glasses: Viewing people or situations through an overly positive lens, missing critical flaws.
Stress and Burnout: Experiencing stress and burnout from striving to meet unrealistic standards set by idealization.
Children’s Individuality: Stifling individuality and growth in children by expecting them to be perfect.
Friendship Tension: Resenting friends or partners for not living up to an idealized image, causing tension and conflicts.
Parental Idealization Anxiety: Struggling with anxiety and low self-esteem due to being idealized by parents.
Appreciating Complexity: Failing to appreciate the complexities and imperfections in others due to idealized perceptions.
Hero Worship: Idealizing public figures or leaders, leading to disillusionment when they show their human flaws.
Overlooking Personal Flaws: Focusing on one’s ideal self-image, ignoring personal flaws and areas for growth.
Teacher Idealization: Viewing teachers or authority figures as perfect, leading to a sense of betrayal when they make mistakes.
Peer Pressure: Feeling pressure to conform to an idealized group standard, losing individuality in the process.
Societal Idealization: Idealizing societal standards or cultural norms, leading to dissatisfaction with one’s life circumstances.
Cycles of Idealization and Devaluation: Experiencing rapid shifts between seeing others or oneself as perfect (idealization) and then as deeply flawed (devaluation), which can result in unstable relationships, emotional dysregulation, and a fragmented self-image.
In Closing
Reflecting on your own experiences with idealization can be a powerful step toward self-awareness and personal growth. Consider how often you might place someone or something on a pedestal, only to feel let down when reality doesn’t meet your expectations. Acknowledge the impact this has on your relationships, as it often leads to unnecessary disappointment and strain.
Recognizing and addressing idealization can foster healthier, more genuine interactions. By setting realistic expectations and appreciating others for who they truly are, you can build stronger, more supportive connections. This awareness allows for more honest communication and reduces the pressure on both yourself and those around you.
To continue exploring the fascinating world of defense mechanisms and to gain further insights into managing these psychological strategies, subscribe or follow this blog. Stay informed about upcoming posts that will delve deeper into various defense mechanisms, helping you enhance your personal development and emotional resilience.
Additional Resources
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